Log Entry #3: Potential Paralysis

***Well, I was planning to have a piece of art done, and a picture taken of it to post here for my next entry, but that didn't happen. I apologize. ***

   I have been a bit discouraged this week, largely due to the fact that there are SO MANY options when it comes to using art and other creative pursuits to make money, or at least just to spend/waste time on. There are so many, in fact, that to focus one's efforts in one avenue, means that you'll likely not be able to make something in any of the others. Or at least I don't feel that I could.

  It's like you're standing in the candy store with a few dollars in your hand, and you're trying to figure out which flavor (that you can afford) will be the most fulfilling for you, so you stand there for hours because there are so many things you'd love to sink your teeth into. No big deal, you can take your time right? Now what if those few dollars became fewer and fewer the longer you stood there, but you still didn't want to waste them on something unfulfilling, so you end up wasting them anyway as they slip away with you having nothing to show for it.

   That's what I'm afraid of. Lately I've seen so many things I want to do, that I end up doing absolutely nothing, and my whole day is wasted completely. I want to draw, want to paint, write, plan for my Dungeons & Dragons game, write a campaign setting for DnD, and many other interesting things, but I can't choose between them and I do nothing all day.

It's so hard to pick just one thing and do it, at least for that day. I love options, possibly a little too much. The thought of choosing a path that limits my options down the road frightens me, but I know if I can pick the right path I will feel good about it and the limitations won't be an issue. Kinda like getting married to my wonderful husband. Yeah, I can't date anybody I want anymore, but I found the perfect man for me and I don't care about the narrowing of my choices.

  Yes, I know, planning which artistic things to pursue each day is nothing compared with the heavy choice of till death do us part, but your career can be, and I want my art to be my career.

  I really need to make a schedule and organize my art by priority. That's so much easier said than done.

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Log Entry #2: Adventures in Skill Refinement

"Girl in the Scarlet Shroud"

   So today I remembered something I heard in a TEDTalk. I don't remember the exact title, but the talk had to do with what it takes to get good at anything you'd like to be good at...something like it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an "expert" or whatever. The point was made that in the beginning of practicing anything, you go through this stage where you feel awkward, uncomfortable, and in general you feel like the biggest idiot ever. They said that stage is one you have to push through to get comfortable with whatever skill your trying to learn. 

  I can attest to this fact. It doesn't matter what the skill is, whether it's sports, art, or whatever, you go through the "I'm a huge loser" phase. What brought this to mind today was the fact that I decided to bite the bullet and do a colored pencil portrait that I was going to post on my blog, regardless of how it turned out. (The above photo is the finished product) I've done portraits before, but they're not the easiest thing. Adding color to a portrait makes it all the more difficult sometimes, because you can get so easily lost in the many shades you use to make a clean gradient between colors. A monochromatic portrait's shadows are simpler in the fact that you just have to layer the graphite or charcoal till it's dark enough, and blending is cake. 

  I mentioned last post that this blog was going to be my way of forcing myself to be positive about my work, and even after just one entry I can see the improvement in my attitude toward trying new things...Maybe it's just the fact the portrait turned out so well that I feel this way, but whatever. I'm happy nonetheless. However, not every attempt at skill refinement has been so easy for me. I'm still in the "I'm an idiot" phase in a lot of things: Plants, foreshortening, proper perspective, and clothes are just a few of the things in an uncomfortably long list of skills I need to hone. Forcing myself to draw something that I know I stink at is always uncomfortable. 

   And it's not just my art that hurts to practice. One of my other hobbies that I adore is tabletop gaming, and I'm trying my very best to be a great Game Master. I watch videos on character development, player management, improvisation, and voice acting, but it doesn't matter. Just cramming your head with tips and tricks doesn't magically change your skill...I stink at GMming, at least in my eyes, and compared to Dungeons & Dragons gods like Matt Mercer from YouTube's Critical Role (Check them out, he's friggin' awesome if you like Tabletop RPGs) 

  But again, I must remember that Matt Mercer didn't start off a GMming god... he's been running games since forever. He makes acting out NPCs believably, running theatrical combat, and immersive story-lines seem effortless. I as a new GM can say it's not. 

   Not at all.

   It's clumsy, and awkward, and REALLY HARD TO COMMAND A TABLE. 

   But that's okay. I'm NEW. Just as I'm new to portraits, to comics, to plants, ect. I have to tell myself it's okay to feel dumb. I'm not dumb, and my work is not trash. While not all my attempts will turn out so well as the portrait at the top of the page, they all will teach me something. They all will show me exactly where I'm weak and they give me something to strive for. Just gotta keep moving forward, and not get bogged down in grinding away 10,000 hours on my way to expert and professional status. 

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Log Entry #1: The Self-Loathing Struggle

"Window to the Soul -in Blue"

***My goal in writing this blog is to bleed out some of the negativity I give myself, and force myself to be positive, making myself slow down and enjoy the process of improvement. I hope that by sharing my personal artistic struggles, I can make myself look at how much I really do with the God given gift of art I have, and perhaps let some other artists know that they aren't the only ones who have obstacles. I'll try to include artwork and other creative tidbits along the way, so I hope you enjoy.***

   "Wow! I wish I could draw like that!" is a common phrase artists hear, usually from friends, family, or passerbys who glance over shoulders and peer down at sketchbooks covered in whatever media. The look of amazement on their faces is always a proud moment for an artist, as are the complimentary elements of "Can you teach me?" and "Can you draw me in that style?" Artists eat that stuff up, or at least everyone I ever knew did. I know I certainly do. However, no matter how many billions of times your buddies or your family tell you how cool your latest piece is, for some reason it never seems to be enough.

   At least not for me, apparently my ego is starving for appreciation.

  Even with the multitude of positive comments and affirmation, why does one critical voice always rise above the throng and kill any joy I took in the completion of a piece? That voice is my own. I am definitely, without question, my own worst critic. I know other people have this problem as well, but sometimes I feel like I take self-loathing to the next level. No matter how much I improve, no matter how much I accomplish, I am never satisfied with my work. I always see the flaws, the inconsistencies, the places that could have been better. WHY!?!?!?! It is so very frustrating! I will spend hours on a piece, only to be able to enjoy it for about five minutes before the critic in me comes out. If I look at any work too long, I promise I will find every single little bauble I made, real or imagined.

  Sometimes I just don't get it. Why can't I be just as proud of myself as my friends are of me? Why do I always feel this all-consuming hunger for improvement, like I'm starving for a skill I don't possess? The feeling get's worse when I examine other's work. I'm constantly reminded that if you look around, you'll always find somebody better than yourself at anything. Okay, I get that, but why do I see so many people better than me, so close to me? At least that's how it feels when I try to go on YouTube and learn stuff and see all these fantastic speed draws, and tutorials from artists who make a living from what they put on paper...Even though that whole line of thinking makes no logical sense whatsoever. Those people had to work to hone their skills to get where they are. They didn't come forth from the womb with a pencil in hand and a photo-realistic drawing in the other.

   I think I have a heart brain disconnect. My brain says, "Dude, you got this, look how far you've come! Check out all the skills you've honed! Yes, you can improve, but go for it. Assess your weaknesses and strengthen them! Don't get discouraged by others' works, use them as inspiration!" 

  But then, at the same time my heart tells me "How will I ever succeed with my crummy work when there are so many out there who are infinitely better? What's the point? What does drawing for one's self achieve? Nothing! Oh woe is me...blah blah blah..." You get the drift. 

   Art is friggin' HARD! You wouldn't think making a picture/sculpture/photo/ect would be that difficult, but the difference between what your mind envisions and what your hands can put down seems an impossible chasm that cannot be bridged. Compound that with the self loathing and you got one painful hobby. I just wish those who see my work could see just how much of my soul gets splattered into each piece as I hash and rehash lines, and pull my hair out trying to make it "look right". 

  

  Well, maybe not. They probably would never desire the burden of what they call "Talent." Haha, I'm kidding.😋 The talent is not the burden, my own negative self talk is. Ah well, how ever much I gripe, I'll never stop making art, or at least stop wanting to make art, and I'll never stop wanting to be better. I just really need to concentrate on viewing myself objectively, and give myself a little bit of credit for the improvements I have made since I began. After all, there are those who wish they could draw like I can, so it's highly probably that they can't all be blind as the proverbial bat.

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