Log Entry #1: The Self-Loathing Struggle

"Window to the Soul -in Blue"

***My goal in writing this blog is to bleed out some of the negativity I give myself, and force myself to be positive, making myself slow down and enjoy the process of improvement. I hope that by sharing my personal artistic struggles, I can make myself look at how much I really do with the God given gift of art I have, and perhaps let some other artists know that they aren't the only ones who have obstacles. I'll try to include artwork and other creative tidbits along the way, so I hope you enjoy.***

   "Wow! I wish I could draw like that!" is a common phrase artists hear, usually from friends, family, or passerbys who glance over shoulders and peer down at sketchbooks covered in whatever media. The look of amazement on their faces is always a proud moment for an artist, as are the complimentary elements of "Can you teach me?" and "Can you draw me in that style?" Artists eat that stuff up, or at least everyone I ever knew did. I know I certainly do. However, no matter how many billions of times your buddies or your family tell you how cool your latest piece is, for some reason it never seems to be enough.

   At least not for me, apparently my ego is starving for appreciation.

  Even with the multitude of positive comments and affirmation, why does one critical voice always rise above the throng and kill any joy I took in the completion of a piece? That voice is my own. I am definitely, without question, my own worst critic. I know other people have this problem as well, but sometimes I feel like I take self-loathing to the next level. No matter how much I improve, no matter how much I accomplish, I am never satisfied with my work. I always see the flaws, the inconsistencies, the places that could have been better. WHY!?!?!?! It is so very frustrating! I will spend hours on a piece, only to be able to enjoy it for about five minutes before the critic in me comes out. If I look at any work too long, I promise I will find every single little bauble I made, real or imagined.

  Sometimes I just don't get it. Why can't I be just as proud of myself as my friends are of me? Why do I always feel this all-consuming hunger for improvement, like I'm starving for a skill I don't possess? The feeling get's worse when I examine other's work. I'm constantly reminded that if you look around, you'll always find somebody better than yourself at anything. Okay, I get that, but why do I see so many people better than me, so close to me? At least that's how it feels when I try to go on YouTube and learn stuff and see all these fantastic speed draws, and tutorials from artists who make a living from what they put on paper...Even though that whole line of thinking makes no logical sense whatsoever. Those people had to work to hone their skills to get where they are. They didn't come forth from the womb with a pencil in hand and a photo-realistic drawing in the other.

   I think I have a heart brain disconnect. My brain says, "Dude, you got this, look how far you've come! Check out all the skills you've honed! Yes, you can improve, but go for it. Assess your weaknesses and strengthen them! Don't get discouraged by others' works, use them as inspiration!" 

  But then, at the same time my heart tells me "How will I ever succeed with my crummy work when there are so many out there who are infinitely better? What's the point? What does drawing for one's self achieve? Nothing! Oh woe is me...blah blah blah..." You get the drift. 

   Art is friggin' HARD! You wouldn't think making a picture/sculpture/photo/ect would be that difficult, but the difference between what your mind envisions and what your hands can put down seems an impossible chasm that cannot be bridged. Compound that with the self loathing and you got one painful hobby. I just wish those who see my work could see just how much of my soul gets splattered into each piece as I hash and rehash lines, and pull my hair out trying to make it "look right". 

  

  Well, maybe not. They probably would never desire the burden of what they call "Talent." Haha, I'm kidding.😋 The talent is not the burden, my own negative self talk is. Ah well, how ever much I gripe, I'll never stop making art, or at least stop wanting to make art, and I'll never stop wanting to be better. I just really need to concentrate on viewing myself objectively, and give myself a little bit of credit for the improvements I have made since I began. After all, there are those who wish they could draw like I can, so it's highly probably that they can't all be blind as the proverbial bat.

End Transmission